In under three hours, we will have a new episode of "Star Trek: Discovery" to talk about, and I still haven't shared my thoughts about last week's episode. There are no thoughts to share. None of this matters anymore.
Last week, Captain Lorca (who is really alterna-Lorca) attempted his coup against Emperor Michelle Yeoh, quickly phasering his way to the bridge of her flagship and forcing her to execute an emergency transport to... somewhere else. During the fighting, Michael Burnham escaped the bridge unharmed and set out to do... something else. Meanwhile, the crew of Discovery, led by a surprisingly inspiring Commander Saru (you know, the guy who sold out his comrades five episodes ago because he thought the pollen people could cure him of his species' inveterate fear?), have learned that Emperor Yeoh's flagship derives its power directly from the space mushroom network in such a way that, if it is not destroyed, "all life will end, everywhere", because... techno babble.
Eventually, Burnham unites with Emperor Yeoh. They devise a "plan" which is really just the realization that the two of them doing martial arts is way more deadly than a room full of people with phasers so, if they agree to let alterna-Lorca capture them, it's okay, because they can just roundhouse kick everyone until they are the only people left alive and conscious on the bridge, which is what happens. Alterna-Lorca ends up one of those people who is neither conscious nor alive, having been stabbed and thrown into the mushroom generator through a trap door installed at the foot of Emperor Yeoh's dias because... plot device. Discovery comes up with a plan to destroy the flagship's mushroom generator in such away as to create a totally awesome mushroom wave that will carry them back home. The plan involves a direct hit with a torpedo. Fortunately, the mushroom engine is bigger than a womp rat. Right before the mushroom explosion destroys the flagship, Michael Burnham is beamed to safety aboard discovery. Right before that, Michael Burnham throws herself onto Emperor Michelle Yeoh, who is thus also beamed to safety aboard discovery. Lieutenant Stamets pilots Discovery atop the mushroom wave, and everyone ends up in their proper Universe, except, I guess, Emperor Yeoh, who ends up in our Universe.
But wait! They overshot in time! It is now nine months later! The Klingons have almost won the war! Remember? The war with the Klingons? As I said: none of this matters anymore.
Nothing I have just written specifically precludes me from enjoying this show. I can dig a good, old fashioned whacky space adventure in which everything is connected but nothing makes sense. I am a huge fan of "Adventure Time," "The Good Place," and post-McGann "Doctor Who," each of which, to some degree or another, embrace the "yes, and..." theory of screenwriting. The difference between those shows and this (which I am admittedly not the first to articulate) is that, in those other shows, the seemingly endless sequence of escalating absurdity happens to stable character whom you actually like. It matters when Princess Bubblegum turns into an omnipotent mountain of candy and tries to remake the world in her image because you are invested in the tension between her meaningful relationships with both Finn and Marceline and the way that she can so callously manipulate literally everyone else around her (if you have no idea what I am talking about, you really need to watch "Adventure Time"). I cannot write a sentence one third that long about any of the characters in this show. Saru is an officious bureaucrat, except when he's a charismatic leader (I still can't tell you when that change occurred). Stamets is a self-absorbed narcissist, except when space mushrooms mean he's the Traveler. Doctor Boyfriend is dead. Lieutenant inevitably-became-a-sword Tyler is a lie. Michael Burnham just is. The only conclusion I can justifiably draw is that this show was meant to be about Cadet Tilley all along and we just haven't been paying close enough attention. If there were more than two episodes left in this season, I would stop watching. As it is, I will see the season out to its end, but I will also start watching "The Orville." I have it on good authority that "The Orville" is actually Star Trek.
PS As was implied above, Emperor Michelle Yeoh is now in our Universe. The teaser for tonight's episode featured Sarek. I can't wait for Michael Burnham to get to work out both her daddy- and mommy-issues AT THE SAME TIME (wa-ho!).
Last week, Captain Lorca (who is really alterna-Lorca) attempted his coup against Emperor Michelle Yeoh, quickly phasering his way to the bridge of her flagship and forcing her to execute an emergency transport to... somewhere else. During the fighting, Michael Burnham escaped the bridge unharmed and set out to do... something else. Meanwhile, the crew of Discovery, led by a surprisingly inspiring Commander Saru (you know, the guy who sold out his comrades five episodes ago because he thought the pollen people could cure him of his species' inveterate fear?), have learned that Emperor Yeoh's flagship derives its power directly from the space mushroom network in such a way that, if it is not destroyed, "all life will end, everywhere", because... techno babble.
Eventually, Burnham unites with Emperor Yeoh. They devise a "plan" which is really just the realization that the two of them doing martial arts is way more deadly than a room full of people with phasers so, if they agree to let alterna-Lorca capture them, it's okay, because they can just roundhouse kick everyone until they are the only people left alive and conscious on the bridge, which is what happens. Alterna-Lorca ends up one of those people who is neither conscious nor alive, having been stabbed and thrown into the mushroom generator through a trap door installed at the foot of Emperor Yeoh's dias because... plot device. Discovery comes up with a plan to destroy the flagship's mushroom generator in such away as to create a totally awesome mushroom wave that will carry them back home. The plan involves a direct hit with a torpedo. Fortunately, the mushroom engine is bigger than a womp rat. Right before the mushroom explosion destroys the flagship, Michael Burnham is beamed to safety aboard discovery. Right before that, Michael Burnham throws herself onto Emperor Michelle Yeoh, who is thus also beamed to safety aboard discovery. Lieutenant Stamets pilots Discovery atop the mushroom wave, and everyone ends up in their proper Universe, except, I guess, Emperor Yeoh, who ends up in our Universe.
But wait! They overshot in time! It is now nine months later! The Klingons have almost won the war! Remember? The war with the Klingons? As I said: none of this matters anymore.
Nothing I have just written specifically precludes me from enjoying this show. I can dig a good, old fashioned whacky space adventure in which everything is connected but nothing makes sense. I am a huge fan of "Adventure Time," "The Good Place," and post-McGann "Doctor Who," each of which, to some degree or another, embrace the "yes, and..." theory of screenwriting. The difference between those shows and this (which I am admittedly not the first to articulate) is that, in those other shows, the seemingly endless sequence of escalating absurdity happens to stable character whom you actually like. It matters when Princess Bubblegum turns into an omnipotent mountain of candy and tries to remake the world in her image because you are invested in the tension between her meaningful relationships with both Finn and Marceline and the way that she can so callously manipulate literally everyone else around her (if you have no idea what I am talking about, you really need to watch "Adventure Time"). I cannot write a sentence one third that long about any of the characters in this show. Saru is an officious bureaucrat, except when he's a charismatic leader (I still can't tell you when that change occurred). Stamets is a self-absorbed narcissist, except when space mushrooms mean he's the Traveler. Doctor Boyfriend is dead. Lieutenant inevitably-became-a-sword Tyler is a lie. Michael Burnham just is. The only conclusion I can justifiably draw is that this show was meant to be about Cadet Tilley all along and we just haven't been paying close enough attention. If there were more than two episodes left in this season, I would stop watching. As it is, I will see the season out to its end, but I will also start watching "The Orville." I have it on good authority that "The Orville" is actually Star Trek.
PS As was implied above, Emperor Michelle Yeoh is now in our Universe. The teaser for tonight's episode featured Sarek. I can't wait for Michael Burnham to get to work out both her daddy- and mommy-issues AT THE SAME TIME (wa-ho!).
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